When You Must Leave Your Family Behind

I should have, but I was too stupid, too naive, and too lacking in street smarts. I did not know how the world REALLY turns to know any better…to know anything at all.

Hey, I attended Catholic school all the way through, from kindergarten to St. John’s University on Long Island, New York. My good father, with the best of intentions, drilled into my brain that I should become a doctor. The virgin nuns were my first love. Sister St. Lucy, who smelled so delicious that I experienced my first ‘hard-on.’ The good Vincentian Fathers kept passing me with D’s in Spanish and Latin, resulting in me having the lowest self-esteem you could imagine. No one understood that I had an overwhelming case of ADHD.

So, here I was at age 30, and by some miracle and with hard work, I had received two master’s degrees, one from St. John’s and one from NYU, while teaching children with disabilities. My ADHD finally caught up to me when taking a class in Statistics. I dropped out of the NYU PhD program and was in the process of writing my first book, “Successful Children,” published by Walker Book Company in 1979.

While living in Manhattan, I went to my mother’s house for dinner. My sister Marilyn, who was three years older than me, was there. While having dinner, I told them I was writing a book. I told them in simple conversation, not to show off or for any special reason, but to simply inform them. Guess what happened next? They both laughed out loud. I did not even bat an eye. I guess that was how low my self-esteem must have been at the time. If it happened now, I would stand up and walk out the door.

After years of therapy, reading hundreds of books, and doing lots of meditation, I was able to rid my mind of that sick monkey and replace it with an ‘Angel of Joy,’ I can truly say (and feel) that I have never been happier, both mentally and spiritually.

I share this with you, first and foremost, to help anyone reading this who has been abused or who has been taken for granted by their family. Hopefully, you can rid yourself of your monkey.

To help yourself enormously, obtain a copy of Alice Miller’s book, “The Drama of the Gifted Child”, published in 2008 by Basic Books. I call Ms. Miller ‘The Einstein of Abuse.’ See my review of her book in another article.

My sister married a drunk. John was a decent guy when he was not drinking too much. I believe part of the reason he succumbed to alcohol was that he was too sensitive for our world. I believe this is true for many alcoholics and for some druggies. Counselors should be aware of this dynamic when treating them. From the many courses I took for my two advanced degrees, I knew if I played a major role in my nephews’ lives, it might help them stay off the booze and drugs. And it did, partially.

When Chris and Tom were ten and eleven years old, I took them to Disney World in Florida, and when they were around 14 years old, I took them to Lake Tahoe for a week of skiing. Well I guess I did some good because both appear to be happily married, with Chris having an 11-year-old son.

But here comes the bad news. Chris, the older one, drank like a fish for 20 years and quit approximately 20 years ago. GOOD ON HIM!!! Tom, not so much. He is still drinking lots of beers, which I discovered from his brother a few months ago. I have not spoken to anyone in my family for more than a few minutes in months.

And here’s why:

Though I took them on trips when they were kids and gave them thousands of dollars each during their lifetimes, they took it ALL FOR GRANTED. As for my brother’s child, Jason, I bought him a $10,000 pool when he was 10 years old. I also gifted him another $10,000 when I moved to San Diego. One day, over the phone, I mentioned this to his parents. They both said that I never gave this money to Jason. So I told them to get his old bank book down from the attic, and they would see that I did. They never did it!

But here’s the Atomic Bomb of my Awakening. A few years ago, after a court probate judgment in my favor, a greedy first cousin, Peter Macaluso, tried to have the will declared null and void. I was awarded a few hundred thousand dollars. In my will I had my nephews receiving a large share of it, including my Florida home and my very cool white Mustang convertible. To St. Jude and the Shriners, for the great work they do, I willed them approximately 50% of my estate.

Then I had some kind of GALACTIC BRAIN FART. If it had sound, it would be heard by Martians on Mars! I insanely reasoned that since Chris and Tom were now in their fifties, why not give them their shares now? After all, isn’t that what love is? Giving? Not always! Not to those who take it for granted as they did.

My sister has the same opinion of me now as she did when I was thirty. Did she, or my brother or sister-in-law, for that matter, ever uphold me for missing Thanksgiving because I was working in Europe with my sub-reps, as America was shut down for Thanksgiving and Europe was open for business? I was ambitious and creative, and none of them were.

I gave Chris and Tom about $200,000 each. After the first month with Tom, our communication became non-existent. With Chris, after I sent him “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl, he became so egotistical and believed that he knew more than Frankl, Freud, Jesus, and Jung put together, and it became impossible to have a conversation with him.

By the way, each of them graduated from college one year apart. They came to live with me in Manhattan and worked for me, even though I did not need them. I paid them each $500 per week and gave them free room and board.

Was I stupid? Oh yeah! Was I naive? Insanely so! But one final important thought: Jesus told us we must forgive, spoken in Aramaic. The word forgive, in Aramaic, means “to let go of.” Unless we let go of this harm that others do to us and we do to them, we carry it in our own conscious and unconscious mind. It builds and builds and slowly destroys us. The ONLY way out of this quandary is through sincere forgiveness and letting go. (See article ‘On Forgiveness by Way of Jesus and Atheist Freud’).

I have learned about forgiveness, but I do not forget, for those who forget their history are bound to repeat it.

And do not fear if you must leave your family behind. You will find that your Spiritual Family will enter your life as my new friends, Mike, Bonnie, Ryan, Jeannie, Nicole, Connie and Bruce, and more friends will come. I am sure.

Yes, we can choose our family, when they are not good for what we want to accomplish in life. All we need is a bit of courage and upholding ourselves in love.

Until next time, cherish every moment of your life. - Ray-man

AND I WAS TOLD, IN A HOLY INSTANT OF MY LIFE,
THAT CHANGED ME FOREVER

‘Don’t you realize that breaking
someone’s heart is psychologically
equivalent to murder!’

Etchings in Homage to Greatness

(Dedicated to all the great people I was blessed to meet
in my life, and to all those I studied and learned from the
wisdom they had learned from people before them, and
on and on and back and back.)

1.

There was a large courthouse. A giant vulture carried me in its beak to the witness stand. The prosecutor condemned me and the jury agreed that I was guilty. There was a plea for clemency from a woman with Botticelli hair covering her naked body with its tapestry. I asked what I must do. She said, go there. I found myself within the prison cell of Nelson Mandela. Dampness enveloped me like death. The Holy Spirit entered the cell. The dampness receded, and I awoke.

2.

We were in a black hole at the end of the galaxy. Our capsule was free falling and the missile shield had crumbled. We prepared for nothingness. The Venus de Milo appeared on the computer screen. I asked her where we should go. She said outside the box. Gorbachev’s book Perestroika gave us directions for restarting the engines. The Spirit of Light entered the cabin. The engines ignited, and I awoke.

3.

It was a dinner party on the avenue. The wine flowed freely and the talk was cheap. About stocks and bonds. I went to the bathroom to take a pee. On the wall was a picture of the Pieta. I asked her what the boundaries are. She said ignorance and attachment. Mother Teresa appeared holding a dying man in her arms. They were pitiful to look at and I cried. She took me in her arms. The Spirit of Love came upon me, and I awoke.

4.

There was an operation going on. Everyone was concerned. The lights were so bright. Latex fingers probed my body. They were looking for the bug that had consumed my soul. A nurse sang the Ave Maria. Paul Simon held The Boy in the Bubble and T.S. Eliot recited The Four Quartets. I asked the surgeon to show me the way. She said you must find it through yourself. Pope John Paul II appeared before us. He asked for reconciliation and placed his shaking hands upon my body. The Spirit of Forgiveness entered my body, and I awoke.

5.

Merlin appeared out of nowhere. All else was darkness. Even the moon was black. I asked him how he had arrived. He said we are always and never there. He transformed himself into W. E. Deming and held a candle in his hand. The flame scripted the words, caveat emptor be damned. He whispered the word quality. That one word lit the entire universe. The Spirit of Truth entered the earth, and I awoke.

6.

A child was being beaten. Alice Miller, Renee Eisler, Carl Jung, and Robert Lawlor were dancing in a circle. I asked them why the world suffered. They said the suffering is the fear. Eleven million souls rose from the ashes. The ashes were drowning me. Marcel Proust appeared with Remembrance of Things Past. My Soul was cleansed, and I awoke.

7.

Mary Magdalena was guiding us. I asked her about passion. She said, passion without commitment is a blister on the soul. Pablo Picasso handed me a burning brush. It tattooed my entire body. I screamed in pain. The tattoo turned into a purple aura of hope. The scream became a lullaby, and I awoke.

8.

It was a miracle. Helen Keller could see and hear. Plato was interviewing her. He asked her what could be worse than losing one’s sight. She said losing one’s vision! In the iris of her eyes I found humility. I asked her about love. She said love is God liberating your mind, and I awoke.

9.

We were standing on a balcony listening to maidens sing lullabies to the world. Mozart, Beethoven, Mahler, John Lennon, and Yoko were having a discussion. Jacqueline Kennedy read to us from The Hero with a Thousand Faces. I asked her about the meaning of life. She said, it’s your gift to yourself in concert with Creation, and I awoke.

10.

There was a meeting going on. No, it was a parade. No, it was a symphony, yes, definitely a symphony. A symphony in a concert hall containing the whole of humanity. The conductor held a cross in one hand and a peacock feather in the other. The musicians had no score. The string section contained the martyrs, from Socrates to the Holocaust to the Africans, Indians, and Asians.

The concert began with one long note, a C chord. The trumpet section contained all the artists. In staccato they filled the C with a sonorous B flat. The trombones, sax and clarinet section were comprised of the humanists. They added a mellow A sharp. At the back of the stage stood the chorus, scientists all, chanting the Magister Ludi. The timpani group contained the thinkers, banging their drums and cymbals to the beat of the heart.

In the front rows of the hall sat the children. Behind them were the lovers. The box seats were reserved for all those who had taken the unknown highways. The balcony was filled with the revolutionaries. All the humble and poor filled the second and third tiers. Still filtering in were the searchers and seekers, some only half intent on finding their seats. At the rear, standing room only, were the codependents. The corporate interest groups mingled over cocktails in the lobby with the politicians, hardly noticing the music at all.

After the encore the composer appeared. It was God. I quaked with fear, for every sin I had ever committed was viewed by the audience. People gasped. Lightning struck my entire being. I asked Him what we must do for the future. He said, go within, and I awoke.