When You Must Leave Your Family Behind

I should have, but I was too stupid, too naive, and too lacking in street smarts. I did not know how the world REALLY turns to know any better…to know anything at all.

Hey, it was Catholic school all the way through, from kindergarten to St. John’s University on Long Island, New York. My good father, with the best of intentions, drilled into my brain that I should become a doctor. The virgin nuns were my first love. Sister St. Lucy, who smelled so delicious that I experienced my first ‘hard-on.’ The good Vincentian Fathers kept passing me with D’s in Spanish and Latin, resulting in me having the lowest self-esteem you could imagine. No one understood that I had an overwhelming case of ADHD.

So, here I was at age 30, and by some miracle and with hard work, I had received two master’s degrees, one from St. John’s and one from NYU, while teaching children with disabilities. My ADHD finally caught up to me when taking a class in Statistics. I dropped out of the NYU PhD program and was in the process of writing my first book, “Successful Children,” published by Walker Book Company in 1979.

While living in Manhattan, I went to my mother’s house for dinner. My sister Marilyn, who was three years older than me, was there. While having dinner, I told them I was writing a book. I told them in simple conversation, not to show off or for any special reason, but to simply inform them. Guess what happened next? They both laughed out loud. I did not even bat an eye. I guess that was how low my self-esteem must have been at the time. If it happened now, I would stand up and walk out the door.

After years of therapy, reading hundreds of books, and doing lots of meditation, I was able to rid my mind of that sick monkey and replace it with an ‘Angel of Joy,’ I can truly say (and feel) that I have never been happier, both mentally and spiritually.

I share this with you, first and foremost, to help anyone reading this who has been abused or who has been taken for granted by their family. Hopefully, you can rid yourself of your monkey.

To help yourself enormously, obtain a copy of Alice Miller’s book, “The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self,” published in 2008 by Basic Books. I call Ms. Miller ‘The Einstein of Abuse.’ See my review of her book in the ‘Books You Should Read’ section.

My sister married a drunk. John was a decent guy when he was not drinking too much. I believe part of the reason he succumbed to alcohol was that he was too sensitive for our world. I believe this is true for many alcoholics and for some druggies. Counselors should be aware of this dynamic when treating them. From the many courses I took for my two advanced degrees, I knew if I played a major role in my nephews’ lives, it might help them stay off the booze and drugs. And it did, partially.

When Chris and Tom were ten and eleven years old, I took them to Disneyworld in Florida, and when they were around 14 years old, I took them to Lake Tahoe for a week of skiing. Well I guess I did some good because both appear to be happily married, with Chris having an 11-year-old son.

But here comes the bad news. Chris, the older one, drank like a fish for 20 years and quit approximately 20 years ago. GOOD ON HIM!!! Tom, not so much. He is still drinking lots of beers, which I discovered from his brother a few months ago. I have not spoken to anyone in my family for more than a few minutes in months.

And here’s why:

Though I took them on trips when they were kids and gave them thousands of dollars each, they took it ALL FOR GRANTED. As for my brother’s child, Jason, I bought him a $10,000 pool when he was 10 years old. I also gifted him another $10,000 when I moved to San Diego. One day, over the phone, I mentioned this to his parents. They both said that I never gave this money to Jason. So I told them to get his old bank book down from the attic, and they would see that I did. They never did it!

But here’s the Atomic Bomb of my Awakening. A few years ago, after a court probate judgment in my favor, a greedy first cousin, Peter Macaluso, tried to have the will declared null and void. I was awarded a few hundred thousand dollars. In my will I had my nephews receiving a large share of it, including my Florida home and my very cool white Mustang convertible. To St. Jude and the Shriners, for the great work they do, I willed them approximately 50% of my estate.

Then I had some kind of GALACTIC BRAIN FART. If it had sound, it would be heard by Martians on Mars! I insanely reasoned that since Chris and Tom were now in their fifties, why not give them their shares now? After all, isn’t that what love is? Giving? Not always! Not to those who take it for granted as they did.

My sister has the same opinion of me now as she did when I was thirty. Did she, or my brother or sister-in-law, for that matter, ever uphold me for missing Thanksgiving because I was working in Europe with my sub-reps, as America was shut down for Thanksgiving and Europe was open for business? I was ambitious and creative, and none of them were.

I gave Chris and Tom about $200,000 each. After the first month with Tom, our communication became non-existent. With Chris, after I sent him “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl, he became so egotistical and believed that he knew more than Frankl, Freud, Jesus, and Jung put together, and it became impossible to have a conversation with him.

By the way, each of them graduated from college one year apart. They came to live with me in Manhattan and worked for me, even though I did not need them. I paid them each $500 per week and gave them free room and board.

Was I stupid? Oh yeah! Was I naive? Insanely so! But one final important thought: Jesus told us we must forgive, spoken in Aramaic. The word forgive, in Aramaic, means “to let go of.” Unless we let go of this harm that others do to us and we do to them, we carry it in our own conscious and unconscious mind. It builds and builds and slowly destroys us. The ONLY way out of this quandary is through sincere forgiveness and letting go. (See the document ‘On Forgiveness by Way of Jesus and Atheist Freud’)

I have learned about forgiveness, but I do not forget, for those who forget their history are bound to repeat it.

And do not fear if you must leave your family behind. You will find that your Spiritual Family will enter your life as my friends, Mike, Connie, Jeannie, and Deb have, and more friends will come. I am sure.

Ray Coppola