The Ups and Downs of Marriage

Sigmund Freud, one of the great therapists of the last century, said: “Marriage is the best institution for the state and hardest for the individual.” Joseph Campbell, another great teacher of modern times, who implored us to “follow our bliss” said regarding marriage, “If it’s not your first priority, don’t do it.”

Our behavior in America proves both Freud and Campbell to be correct, as 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and about 60% of second marriages also fail. Why? For many reasons, but here are a few of them:

1. The 24/7 Catastrophe - Anyone raised with siblings, or who has lived with a roommate, or has been employed can easily recall all the passionate arguments, words, and sometimes even blows, they had with others, often causing you to be fired or lose a best friend or siblings never speaking to each other again. (See article on ‘When You Must Leave Your Family Behind.’)
2. The happiest couple in the entire world of married couples (there must be one couple who are the happiest) at times want a divorce. Only knowing and practicing forgiveness (see article on ‘Forgiveness’) keeps them together while the others get divorced or live together like strangers without love.
3. Ego and the Taking For Granted - Ego is I, I, I, with hardly any psychic room for ‘we.’ Humans, especially those born in America in the last 100 years, lucked out in being born at the pearly gates in relation to the rest of the world. Our two oceans protect us, while Europe suffered through two world wars. Asia too had multiple wars in Vietnam, Korea, Cambodia, India, and Pakistan. Africa has been full of poverty and South America, being the drug and cartel capital of the world (30% of Mexican citizens work for cartels), and of course the Middle East with country after country wishing for the demise of Israel, our Jewish brothers and sisters so similar to us in freedom and equality.

The people of these countries have learned ‘not’ to take life for granted, but Americans definitely do, which seeps down to our marriages in couples taking each other for granted, ultimately making divorce lawyers very happy and rich.

Shakespeare said, “The first thing to do is to kill all the lawyers.” I have said ‘the ONLY sin is the taking for granted,’ and the ONLY necessary prayer is ‘Thank You.’

And until we mature to this level of consciousness, our very own ugly illusionary ego will overwhelm us with unhappiness, which ALWAYS comes with the taking for granted.

Hell is Other People

Sartre, the last century philosopher and author told us that “Hell is other people,” and indeed he was correct for many of us. Every relationship, sooner or later, becomes who the two people were the second before they met!

When either one partner, or both, are searching for someone to make him/her happy, this very weird desire will ALWAYS end in failure. WHY? Because no one can make another person happy! Yes, we can please others with gifts, or employees with raises or bonuses, or special surprises like vacations or even great sex. All these things mentioned above give another pleasure or even the feeling of security, but in no way whatsoever can make we make another person happy if they are not. (See article on THE FIRST THING TO KNOW ABOUT SOMEONE BEFORE YOU FALL IN LOVE.)

And what is being happy?

• Religions call it being filled with the Holy Spirit!
• Artists and sports people say, it’s being in the zone!
• Joseph Campbell said it’s following your bliss.
• The pope calls it miraculous.
• The founding fathers of America called it freedom!
• Alice Miller, the Einstein of Abuse, said it’s being born gifted!

And Who Has Happiness Naturally?

1. Every child up to 5 to 10 years old before the world abuses them.
2. Every mother holding her newborn in her arms for the first time.
3. Everyone who is following their bliss.
4. Anyone who does the work to become self-actualized, as Abraham Maslow told us to do.

Who do I believe is or was genuinely happy?

Madam Curie, Rosa Parks, Elon Musk, and all the astronauts. Jesus surely was, Oprah and Trump, VP Vance and his wife, Gorbachev and novelist, Ayn Rand were. Jeanine Pirro, and so many more.

But

Especially

You!

My friend, if you choose to read and practice the tips and suggestions in my article on ‘How to Be Great in All You Do!’

All the very best on your journey.

Sincerely,

Raymond Coppola (aka Ray-man), Creator of OutrageousThinking.Life

P.S. And the only way to success in marriage is through the practice of INTIMACY (See article on Love), otherwise the boredom of 24/7 and the ‘taking for granted’ will always destroy love. And without the knowledge and constant practicing of sincere forgiveness and intimacy, marriage will always be at great risk of failure. (See article on both as well as ‘Don’t Marry Until Thirty.’)

The Cure

My Aunt Katie was a great lady. Most of us have had someone in our lives or know of someone like her. She came to America from Italy when she was twenty years old. She and her husband, Uncle John, who had been a cook in the First World War, had no children, and there was a twenty-two-year age difference between her and her youngest sibling—my mother, Ida. As our grandparents had already passed on when my brother, sister, and I arrived, she became our titular Godmother, Grandmother, and even Fairy Godmother, for she and Uncle John owned a grocery store full of candy and ice cream. Heavenly bliss for any five-year-old.

Some say that the greatest sermon ever given was by Buddha, who, in response to requests to know the meaning of life, simply held up a flower without saying a word. My Aunt Katie gave all of us a better sermon than the one Buddha gave. At any given moment and whenever the moment struck her, often while cooking the most delicious breaded veal cutlets or chicken cacciatore, with her olive-oil-garlic-smelling fingers, she would grab any one of us by the cheek and say with her strong Sicilian accent, “Enjoy-a-life, enjoy-a-life!”